The end of what once was and a new beginning...

Six years later and I can honestly say that autism has changed nearly ever aspect of my life.  I feel our path was similar to many, you get the diagnosis, you fight autism with all your might, you lose some family and friends, you settle in to acceptance and realize that if he doesn't change at all, well that's just fine cause he's awesome....and then you realize just how much it all took it's toll, on everything.

I can say for certain that our family hit rock bottom last Christmas. When most families should be so happy and enjoying time together, mine was falling apart.  When considering the divorce rates for families that deal with autism is a staggering 90%, its not surprising that we've had our moments.  Autism took most everything from us, the careers we wanted, our savings, our dog, our house, relationships we cherished, but mostly...the life we thought we'd have, the one we worked to build together, our dream, which had no room for autism.

When pregnant, most moms have visions of rocking their babies, feeding them, watching them grow up, graduate, get married, having grand babies to snuggle....those are the dreams I had and then autism.  My dreams changed from what will he be when he grows up, to will he ever talk or will he ever be able to have a job.  That's a hard reality to accept when the dream seemed so obtainable.  I think I moved into that full acceptance last year and realized the rest of our life was in turmoil. I hated my job, our financial situation was a joke, and Steve and I had grown so far apart.  Nothing was going right.

Then the new year, yeah 2012, an opportunity for a fresh start and hopefully some good news. And I received news that a position I had worked so hard for and was initially offered, was put on hold. It was another dream, one that was going to help solve our financial situation and help me get my career back on track, shattered.  I was devastated, but I didn't give up. I kept looking. Then all in the same week, we found out the autism insurance legislation passed and Tyler said MAMA!  Yes, he said Mama!  It was an unbelievably emotional week.  They say you are given what you can handle but never more.  I feel like someone heard my prayers. I couldn't take anymore.  I felt unappreciated in every aspect of my life all of my efforts to make improvements were not working.  I was running out of energy and hope.   Then "MAMA"...... yeah Ty!  I followed Tyler around with a video camera for days trying to get him to say Mama.  After that moment, the words kept coming, and they still do!  We are so proud of him and what this could mean for his future. 

Fast forward a few months where we make a decision to move as our rent was going to increase and we were trying to find ways to get back on our feet financially. I always say Ty is my diamonds, as he's been quite an investment (albeit worthwhile for sure).  I also applied for a job at the University of Michigan Health System in the development office.  Something just seemed right about it, great people, great teamwork, great energy, and an AMAZING cause...Plus our new digs were literally 1/2 mile away.  Well they must have thought something seemed right about me too because I was offered the job, yea!

Some may think that a new job alone is exciting enough but the opportunities and the change that this would have on our entire family was significant. Most of which.... Tyler will be eligible under the new autism insurance legislation beginning January 1!   Five years of battles, calling, writing letters, going to the capital, robbing Peter to pay Paul, taking out loans, borrowing from family, finally he will be covered for speech, OT and ABA therapy.  There are so many other positives about the job that I just know it's the right place for me and am so excited about my future.

Now on to Ben, we had his parent teacher conference last night and based up the news last year, and knowing how much he has been struggling at home with reading and not feeling he could do it, we were worried.  We found out that he's doing just great, right on track. He does have some self esteem/anxiety issues that we need to work on but by now, we are pros from working with Ty all these years.  SO PROUD OF BEN!  We are hoping to get him into a non-competitive group like Cub Scouts or something to help build his self esteem and a support group of peers and families. We are also hoping within the next year to get him into some sib-shops (support groups for siblings of children with autism), so he can bond with some other children and know that he is not alone.

As for Steve and I, we stay committed to staying committed. We knew as soon as we had the diagnosis that things would never be the same and we agreed to not give up even if the other person does.  It's a philosophy that's really helped us when the going gets tough.  Very thankful to the family members who watch our kiddos on occasion so we can get some much needed time away together. On the outside, people have no idea how hard it is on couples when you have a child with autism. It's an unbelievable amount of pressure that you'd never even think about, and especially with twins, the safety issue alone was huge. I just read an old blog about us being worried about Ty hurting other kids because he'd hurt us and his brother.  WOW, he's come so far. He wouldn't hurt a fly now. 

This road has been so difficult, one I would have never imagined I'd have the strength or energy to make it down, but I finally made it to the end.  The boys are both doing great, Ty is talking which we were told the likelihood was slim to none, and we managed to stay committed to our marriage and our family. I'd say 2012 has been an amazing year.  The key is to let go of the old dream, to allow a new one to happen.  I have a new beginning that begins right now.