Mommy Guilt Blows....

I'm sure every mother struggles with mommy guilt from time to time, especially if they have more than one child. Having twins, I was quite sensitive to the fact that I wanted my kids to feel equal, have equal attention, etc. Then you throw in the whole autism thing and well it was just nearly impossible. The more decisions I made in favor of Tyler, the guiltier I felt about Ben. I remember sitting in a parkin glot crying one day when I had to make a decision that would benefit Tyler but prevent Ben from going to preschool for another year. And then...when we did find a preschool we could afford, Ben was doing horribly, actually regressing and spent a few nights screaming in anger about how he didn't want to go. Talk about a stab to your heart. So yeah... mommy guilt blows and I felt it in full force yesterday.

I find it nearly impossible to manage life's tasks and responsibilities at perfection. I always tell myself, and others when they are feeling inadequate, to just be the best they can be at that moment. I.e. if you are at work, then be the best worker you can be, if you are at the park with your kids, then be the best momny you can be and not worry about cleaning the house or bills, etc. Basically, to try to focus on whatever the priority is at that moment. My priority right now and in the past few months has been to work on strengthening my marriage and finding creative ways to get our family into a better place financially. At the beginning of the school year, Ben's parent teacher conference went well. Yes, we all know he is a talker, but other than that he seemed to be doing good and met all of his objectives for entering into kindergarten. When we got some of his standardized testing scores he was low in Math so we started working on math stories at night instead of regular stories. THen we got a note from the teacher last week to set up parent teacher conferences. This mid year conference is for those students who aren't quite where they should be at this point and may need some extra help. Ok, sure thing. I want to help whenever we can.

So last night was the conference. It was also the night that the boys to go the ACC for the study so it was just Mommy going this time becuase Steve takes the kids to the ACC (ben loves the study by the way). Ben's teacher is fantastic and she started off by saying Ben is a lovely child, always happy, full of life and energy, gets along well with all the kids, doesn't start to much trouble, she said she's convinced he'll be the next late night talk show host, LOL. But that he is not meeting his objectives and if he doesn' t improve on a certain # of items, he will have to go to summer school. In theory the idea of summer school doesn't bother me, Ty's been going since he was 3, its just that I feel so guilty that he's that far behind and he's not been my focus. In fact, I'm not sure Ben's ever been my #1 focus :( I've overcompensated and even spoiled him at times as a result of that fact. Which leads to my next concern.

There were times in the past I had a concern that potentially Ben had Aspergers... as he progressed in his new preschool those fears began to fade...and so did some of my mommy guilt. In yesterday's meeting, the teacher said that Ben's biggest problem is his inability to focus. He's very scattered and has a hard time sitting still and concentrating on anything for a period of time. Now, compared to Tyler, Ben's has stellar focus, but apparently compared to typical children his age, Ben is having trouble. She said she doesn't like labels and it's too early to tell but the label ADHD was thrown out there. My heart sank...oh Benny, I'm so sorry I've been focused so much on Tyler and his skills and his nutrition and his everything that I have let this go unnoticed. So I left the meeting with homework of my own...sat in the car and cried for a bit. Talked to Ben briefly about how he's a great kid and that mommy and daddy are going to help him meet his school goals and we started on a little work last night and will come up with a more specific schedule of activities each night. I also briefly talked to him about nutrition. He's a carn junkie as many of you know, my concern with him is the same as Tyler. He'll just choose not to eat if it's something he doesn't like. We work on creative ways to get him to eat better but it doesn' tseem to work. The teacher says this is common with kids with ADHD as it sometimes takes an arm and a leg to get those kids to eat and sometimes nutrition falls by the wayside as they just need calories. The thing is, i've spent years and many $$$ on Tyler's diet, eliminated gluten and casein, food dyes, additives, etc. Giving him enzymes and probiotics and all these other things to help aid digestive and give him a clear head to learn. Not Ben :( So we told Ben things are going to change with his diet as we want his belly and mind to feel better. I'm not sure yet to what extreme as GFCF diet is so expensive but it has helped Tyler tremendously and it has been shown to help kids with ADD/ADHD as well, so we'll see. Either way we are going to make sure ben has a more "clean" diet as well as a big push to help him meet his objectives at school. It's time to make Ben a priority.

On another note, I sat in on a panel discussion at the Autism Collaborative Center this week. It was for those of us who blog about autism and then people could ask us questions, etc. It was interesting. There were 4 woman on the panel and each of blog for different reasons and about different things. Some are to help others with resources, some are to share info about their kids, some are to vent, etc. It was interesting. Lots and lots of blogs out there, for husbands, wives, family members, siblings, even grandparents. I barely have the time to write in this one lately it seems so not sure how much I'll go looking but I love knowing the resources are out there if I need them.

We have Ty's official IEP meeting in March where we will find out where he is on his goals this year and discuss a plan for next year. I'm not sure if he will be offerred extended school year or not, we will see. And then the dreaded summer is coming, where I try to find an affordable plan that meets the needs of both boys... and find a way to haul them around to each of these activities while working full time. Life gets tricky sometimes for us all eh.

I guess that's all for now, not much good news to report, I just got a huge reality check and it sucks.